Satan’s Peanut Butter (Spartan Super)

Well, the best thing I can say is I finished. The worst thing I can say is I actually paid to walk through the valley of the shadow of death!

Who:      Me

What:    The Reebok Spartan Super Obstacle Race

When:   October 10th, 2015

Where:  Durhamtown Plantation Resort, Union Point, Ga.

Why:     Still trying to figure that shit out!

I really don’t even know where to start. Ok, I know, it has rained for the last 2 weeks in Georgia. And i knew this, after all I live in Georgia. I haven’t walked in my backyard because it’s marshy. What made me think I would want to wade in, at some points waist deep mud? It’s a special breed of uniquely different people who are mud runners and obstacle racers, and I suppose I’m one of them. I wasn’t born this way, I evolved into this person. Evolution is a bitch, IJS.  Because I’m still recovering, I’m going to give you the bullet point recap.

  • There was no cell service about 5 miles out from the venue (how do people live like that)
  • When we parked I stepped out into a mud puddle ( That was the first sign that said, GO HOME)
  • Our wave started at 11:45am. The Spartans were hyped. Aroo! Oh yeah in true Spartan fashion to get to the start, you had to go over a 6′ wall!
  • Usually Spartans are out like lightning. Yesterday, we were out more like pudding. This is were it started! It was EVERYWHERE. It was thick and the color of creamy Jiff in some places. In others dirty auburn and slick as Crisco, Georgia red clay at it’s most evil.  It was the evil disrespectful mud from hell, aka Satan’s peanut butter. And he spread that crap thick and wide.
  • Yeah Spartans were laughing as they slid along that first 100 yards or so. Yeah, not me! I immediately began to have flashbacks from my Savage race, fresh hell, aka Muddy Fukka. I thought I knew but I had no idea what was to come.
  • Ya know the sound of heavy fish being dropped?  That was the sound of the day and it began almost immediately.  Slow and steady. Stay up.
  • Then Ro fell. Ro was one of my race mates. Whoops! You good? Yeah. And  Ro was up.
  • Then I did some sort of curtsy, karate move as I slid across the mud, but I remained up. Let me help you with that move, picture it, I slid to catch my balance, slid, quick stop, the right leg goes behind the left, and I bend forward at the waist (curtsy portion) arms typical karate arms, up at chest level bent at the elbows hands chop ready. That my friends was my move of the day.
  • Then Jason fell. You good. Yeah. And Jason was up.
  • Floppy fish sound accompanied by a collective, “Ohhh” from behind me. Somebody fell.
  • I felt like James Brown as I slid across the disrespectful mud. But I didn’t feel good.
  • First obstacle, over the metal 6-7′ horse X’s 2 or 3. My mind is cloudy right now.
  • And then miles of mud. And Ro fell, hard. You good? Yeah. And Ro was back up.
  • Curtsy karate move, but I’m still up.
  • Then Jason fell. You good? Yeah. Jason, another race mate.
  • More satans peanut butter this time it was the crunchy kind. And Ro fell. You good? Yeah.
  • Next obstacle, log carry through the stream and up the muddy embankment. God help me.
  • More mud.
  • Then Ro got stuck in knee-high Satan’s peanut butter. Luckily the Spartans are a kindly cult. Yeah cult, because obviously something is wrong with this entire situation.
  • Then I got stuck in thigh deep Satan’s peanut butter. I tried to claw my way out. Then there were helping hands all the way around me, literally. The Spartans pulled me out of the muck and mire and deposited me on a less disrespectful plot of Satan’s peanut butter. My God, My God. I just need to see one set of “Footprints” now.
  • Next obstacle, up the side of the mountain using a rope. A rope that stopped a good 7′ from the bottom of the mountain side. I’m 5′. Run, leap, hope you grab the bottom knot of the rope and you can grip it before you side back down the Crisco coated mountain side. 3rd time I got it. I held on like the like of fire was beneath me. Clawing, pulling, stepping, praying, sliding. I made it.
  • Ro and I looked at each other like “Really, WTH are we doing?”
  • More mud.
  • Ro fell. You good? Yeah. And Ro was back up.
  • RO! yells a voice from ahead. Yeah, she answered. Denna!! I’m still up. That would be Jason, checking on us, lol.
  • OMG, it appeared like a an oasis in the desert. I tiny  stream of running water. We stop to free our shoes, and hands of this, hateful, disrespectful mud. Then this happened, steps out of water into mud, :-/ and bear crawls up the hill. Looks back at water but keeps moving forward.
  • And then, it happened! Flopping fish sound. Oh wait, that’s me! 5-6 races in and it’s my first fall. You good, they ask? Yeah. And I was up :-/
  • Then Ro said, “Do you see those people over there?” As she points through the woods. “Yep,” I said. Without words we headed in that direction. Nah it wasn’t necessarily the outlined course but its the way we went. Take from that what you will.
  • Mile 4.
  • More mud.
  • Karate curtsy move.
  • Bucket carry, I’ll pass. I should have brought a doctor’s note.
  • And then I fell, proposal style, on one knee hand extended to present the ring. You good? Yeah and I was up. Damn!
  • And then Ro fell, her glasses off. Yes, I said fell her glasses off. And they rested above her head almost embedded in Satan’s peanut butter. OMG, we yell, Me and Kaurey. Kaurey is our other race mate. We just stop and stand still. There is no running over to assist. She moved, You good? Yeah. And Ro was up.
  • And then we blazed yet another trail, that was uniquely ours :-). Again take that however you choose.
  • Then more mud.
  • Spartans gathered around tire tracks filled with water like wild animals at the water hole, trying to clear our hands of this, mud that clings like Elmer’s glue, if only for a second.
  • I’m down.
  • Ro’s down.
  • Kaurey is blinded by splattering mud.
  • More mud.
  • A collective, “Oooh,” somebody fell, again.
  • And then as we came to a road crossing, and the emergency 4 wheelers came flying by. First 4 wheeler, patient is wrapped like leftovers in the foil blanket. Possibly with a neck brace. Next 4 wheeler, patient, has leg outstretched and a look of agony on his face. “That’s not very encouraging,” says Jason.
  • Mile 5.
  • More mud.
  • Another trail blazed. Me and Ro leading others to the promised land. However, we lost Kaurey and Jason.
  • Random Spartan hug from Christina. I don’t know who she was.
  • Another damn near impossible hill to descend. I’ll slide on my butt. Walking away from the hill, I say to no one in particular. Aw man feels like I pooped in my pants. Fellow Spartan chimes in, “If it makes you feel better, it looks like it as well.” I looked at his butt as he walks by and reply, “Poop twins.”
  • Then mud splashed around my eye. Hands caked with mud, shirt caked as well. “No clean spots,” I said out loud again to no one in particular. Random Spartan says “My elbow is clean. I got you.” And she cleans my eye with her elbow. Aroo!
  • Blazed another trail up the side of the mountain, our new followers hot on our heels, lol. We get to the top and survey the scene. We quickly realize we should have blazed a different trail, lol. More mud.
  • Floppy fish sound, Oh lawd, it’s Ro! Concussion check :-/ And Ro is up. Thank goodness.
  • Again, clean water! Yeah sure it was red but it was more than an inch and it was running. Squatting Spartans, kneeling Spartans, wading Spartans, around the watering hole. Several dozen can be seen coming from all directions to partake in the mud removal. All we needed was a narrator, “The Spartans, spot the watering hole and the herd begins to gather… Steve Irwin voice. LMAO
  • And more mud.
  • Then we spot an obstacle, Ro wants to blaze a trail. I strongly suggest we do this one. It’s the military low  crawl under the barbwire, up hill. I later apologized to Ro, lol! Whoa, hair caught. Ouch, back caught. Wait I’m sliding back downhill. Nooo! Digs fingers in and and create claw marks in the disrespectful mud. Someone puts their hand under my foot and says, “I got you. Push against my hand.” I looked back at the muddy face and just smiled and said thank you! I in turn provided that assist to the guy in front of me. Aroo!
  • Top of the hill Whip and Nae Nae session with my race mates 🙂
  • Lawd, will this thing ever end?
  • Those laughing joyful Spartan of the first 100 yards are so, can now be heard saying, “I’m so over this.” “This freaking mud is outta hand.” “Argh.” Yes, the mud struggle is an SOB!
  • Trail blazed.
  • Mile 8 sign. I want to fall on my knees and thank God, but still gotta 1/2 to go, anything could happen.
  • More freaking MUD!!
  • Bear crawl.
  • More mud.
  • I can smell the smoke from the burning fire at the finish line, last obstacle. Yes!!
  • I want to run to the finish I can see it. But I also want to clear the fire. Run or burn?
  • I walked. I jumped and survived.

Next on to the Beast. Gotta get my Trifecta!!

SN: They had no water for us to shower at the venue. Really! They ran out of water! So we had to peel off what we could get in Kaurey’s cream colored interior car with more red mud than skin. I felt so bad. We decided to go to the Flying J truck stop. Best $12 I’ve ever spent on a shower. Yes, we showered at the truck stop. I was thinking yuck. But let me tell you, it was as clean as a whistle and quite stylish! They provided everything needed, soap, towels, and wash cloth. However, I’m funny about the towels and wash cloths, so I used my own. I’d do that again without a doubt, the truck stop…not the race, lol lol! Nah I’m Beast bound.  Oh and my total calorie burn was 3300!! Boom

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Spartans, ready yourself for glory! This is essentially what Perry said to me when I entered the gym this morning. I definitely feel like I was preparing for battle! I guess essentially I am, he’s getting me ready for my first Spartan race, which is in March. I’m so excited about that. I can’t stop smiling every time I say it. Although I know this preparation time is going to be challenging I welcome the challenge.

So today’s workout was A-MAZING! We did some weights, and worked my shoulders and chest. But the MOST fun and challenging part was the functional segment. So Perry lined up all the weighted balls, there were 5 and they ranged from 10-50lbs, several yards away from the him and I had to do 10 push-ups and run with the first ball down to him and place the ball on the wooden box. Then I had to run back down to the balls and do 10 push-ups and run with the 20lb ball and so on an so forth until I got to the 50lb ball. I did that 6 (SIX) times! THAT, my friends was booger bear tough!
Not counting the weights, I moved 900 pounds when it was all said and done. I’m going to say I moved it at least the equivalent of a few football fields. Boom-shaka-laka! I’m so proud of myself. Oh and did I mention, that means I did 300 push-ups (at one point I did have to drop to my knees, and stay there lol. I have the abrasions to prove it.)

I can’t wait until my next Spartan workout. He assured me this is just the beginning. Now I’m going to hit the treadmill but just for 1 mile. Loving my journey. I love that I’m willing to put myself out there waaay outside of my comfort zone and try different things. GRGT